Shits getting real here.

Warning : this post contains a lot of swear words. PG-13

Its been weeks since i wrote my last blog here. I've been busy with uni stuffs, student circle that i joined, also the most time consuming one, finding myself again.

i've been lost.

its like, i didnt recognize my own self anymore. im not me. theres this words, i dont who who made it but its quite creepy and yet, its kinda true. at least for me atm. and the saying is "there is no image of the exact you. you are different in everybody else's mind. each people you met since the first time you were born will have unique image of you. so the you that you are thinking of, is just inside your head."

fuck that words right? but what fucked up the most is that i, am currently feelin it. even i dont really know me. shit.

i lost myself here. i dont know if im started to get mad, i hope not. i tried to smoke (the japs e-cig [not vape]), i tried scotch whisky by touching it using my tongue (i didnt drink it) like what the fuck it didnt even taste good.

i've put my attention on unimportant shits and it made me crazy. the girl i thought would help me just walked away saying nothing. ive been thinking worse about my house mate which actually not that bad. THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME SANE IS BROOKLYN NINE-NINE WTF.

also, dont give a damn about my social media. what i posted there is the only fun part of being here which is only 5% of my real life. DANGGG fuck social media

DAMN MAN IT FEELS LIKE I JUST WANNA SCREAM AND BROKE THINGS DOWN. i aint had no one hear that could listens to me. i dont have friend here. well, not a normal friend, but the "friend" friend. i had no one to talk to, no one to share my frickin feeling to. not even my house mate. since he got girlfriend, dang. i dont know him no more. but thats fine i get it its his first relationship.

cant believe im saying this, but fuck this shit i could use fwb real good right now. BUT THEN I DONT HAVE ONE SHIT. kinda regret i pushed away that girl when i first came here, that girl whom i pushed away bcs i still had a crush on someone.

I FRICKIN NEED SOMEONE RIGHTNOW OMGGGG

AIGHT. i think im crazy.

Losing Myself.

For those who are familiar with me must've known what kind of person I am. Whoever you are that have met me in person, know this very well. If you don't, though, you could read my first post, Sudah Kenal Semoga Sayang and one other post (not an) American Teen.

I don't know what happened to me these days, but this feeling, this urge to try, this desire to taste those parties, those drinks, those life has and still developing in my body. Brain and heart-wise, I really really don't wanna do it. But lust-wise, damn, it became someone else. My lust is not me anymore.

Maybe being far away from home also took part in this, but i didn't see it coming this soon. I'm only 2 and a half months away and i'm starting to lose myself (well, i hope not), but it is what it is. This is what i am truly feeling right now.

I wanna try those drinks and get drunk, i wanna come to the parties and dance, i wanna get home a bit tipsy bringing a chick with me and finally lose my virginity lol. But oh well, i gotta keep my dick halal, and i guess i'll go to a party when i got back to Jogja, but for the drinks, i guess i'll just wait till i die cause ill try it in heaven. wish me luck.

A voice mail.

*telephone rings*

*telephone rings*

*telephone rings*

Hey, sorry i'm not home, you know what to do after this. *beep*

Hey.

I know its kinda weird.

but i...

i just..

i just wanna umm..

can we hang out for a coffee sometimes?

whatcha doin tomorrow?

maybe you could pick me up after work.

or maybe..

ahem,

tonight?

What a (shitty) life.

You know, everything seems all fun and games before you actually involved in it, and feels the true situation that is happening in real life there. kinda having the same situation here. So my housemate from Indonesia was all good and supportive as a friend and housemate to live abroad for approximately 5 months. We prepare all of the requirements together. At first, he seems so convincing to be my housemates for half a year. After we tried to do all the requirement, he started to reveal his inner stinks layer by layer. I even feels like I made a wrong decision to go with him, and him only. But oh well, paddy is already a porridge, can not be turned back into rice. So i was just saying fuck this shit, i'm in the point of no return because its only weeks away from our flight to Japan.

He is a kind of friend that you wanted to meet during the school time only. You don't want to meet him outside, or worse, his house and staying over. Never. As an introvert myself, I actually understand what it feels like to be one. But the problem here is that, I am his housemate for another 3 months (hope not). I mean, can he be more friendly, and give a single fuck about our well-being, and our inter-personal relationship? Yes, it is true i am his friend, but i am not someone to be his daily emotional trash bin. Nigga i have my patient line. 

Things actually got better once we got here on September. We were settling ourselves in nowhere, try to support one another, giving help, and all those shits you need when you were settling new life. It gets downhill after 2 or 3 weeks. The agreement of no in house smoking is broken many times. his room is a mess, messier than Miley Cyrus's past. Damn. Also, he gave no shits no more about our inter-human relationship. Basically, hes a jerk. I was tolerating him few times, but that's it. He smoked again few days ago, and i'm deciding to move out. I couldn't bare him anymore. It is still good that i didn't tell his girlfriend about it. I still have humanity in me, but if, if he goes through one more layer of my principle, then he dead. I'll bust all of his faults and broken promise to his girlfriend lol. I don't mind losing one of a jerky friend that irritates me.

Sebuah Lagu

I've just find out a song that really represents my very current feeling. The lyric, the beat, its all perfect for my situation. (well, its not that perfect but the feeling is quite the same).

you got me.

So here is the full lyric from a song called Lost in Japan by Shawn Mendes remixed by Zedd.

[Intro]
All it'd take is one flight
We'd be in the same time zone
Looking through your timeline
Seeing all the rainbows, I

[Verse 1]
All it'd take is one flight
We'd be in the same time zone
Looking through your timeline
Seeing all the rainbows, I
I got an idea
And I know that it sounds crazy
I just wanna see ya
All I gotta ask

[Chorus]
Do you got plans tonight?
I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I
I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight
'Cause I-I can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Oh, oh

[Post-Chorus]
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind

[Verse 2]
I could feel the tension
We could cut it with a knife
I know it's more than just a friendship
I can hear you think I'm right, yeah
Do I gotta convince you?
That you shouldn't fall asleep?
It'll only be a couple hours
And I'm about to leave

[Chorus]
Do you got plans tonight?
I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I
I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight
'Cause I-I can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Oh, oh

[Post-Chorus]
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind

[Chorus]
Do you got plans tonight?
I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I
I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight
'Cause I-I-I can't get you off my mind
I can't get you off my mind
Do you got plans tonight, baby?
I was hoping I could get lost in your paradise
The only thing I'm thinking 'bout is you and I
And I-I can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
I can't seem to get you off my mind, yeah

[Outro]
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight (oh)
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind

for someone with initial SIN, if you read this, this is for you.

(not an) American Teen

I wrote this blog just before midnight, with some lo-fi hiphop songs playing to keep me company. Today, i just want to spill all of my thoughts up. Don't expect me to write all those cringy stuffs since i barely feel like it again these day. Teehee

I want to declare that I, am definitely not, an American Teen. Its not like because i wasn't born there, but if you really don't get it, I really don't do their stuffs, their TGIF, their cold bottle, and their condoms. Yup, I am clean. Only smokes twice or thrice in my whole life and only 2 sips each. Never smoke a whole cigarette. Never drink alcohol, even one that has very low percentage. Been to a party once, never again. All those stuffs doesn't suits me well. Its just, I don't know, maybe i was born this way?

Don't get me wrong, I am totally fine having friends that did all those shit above. I don't really care, long as they didn't bother me with anything, then of course i wouldn't mind.

Since i'm new here in Japan, some of my Indonesian friends doesn't really know who i am, and yesterday, one of them actually asked me to go to a nightclub to celebrate Halloween. Well, the halloween celebration would be fun, the party itself would be fun i believe, but when i tried to search for the event online, damn. That shit is whole new bowl, its not my cup. You get me.

Y'all might be wondering by now, what stuffs is considered my cup?

Let me tell you one thing first, I, am an introvert that really enjoy deep intimate relationship. With my very own self, and others that are close to me. Ask me for a cathartic session, and i will definitely up. Always. Coffee? Cake? Pizza? just random night stroll? museum? traditional ceremony? anything. am and always up for those kind of stuffs. Talk to me about everything you want to say. Your ex, your parents, your past, future plan, favorite cat, dramas, movies, games, religion, culture, economy, NBA, La Liga, College life, cars, bikes, mountains, meme, lame jokes, even soothing stars. I have no boundaries of what to say in one cathartic seat or walk. I personally believes that Coffee, reveals one true self better than alcohol. You might not have the same opinion as i do for this. But hey, we got our own freedom of speech right? Alcohol, will definitely fuck your mind up. You will reveal everything that passed through your mind to everyone in sight, randomly. In the other hand, You get to choose what stuffs that you wanted to share to your coffee mate. You got choice. But then, when you really could be that intimate to those mates, unconsciously, you will reveal everything about yourself. It might be not as instant as getting drunk, but that is the whole point. Deep down, you will know that you wanted people to know you layer by layer, book by book, day by day, and in the end, you will feel that your mate is also part of you.

Sudah Kenal Semoga Sayang

Hai. Kenalin, aku anak asli Jogjakarta Hadiningrat, berkelamin pria, umur 19 tahun, tinggi 183cm, berat 79Kg, hobi basketan, nonton film + dengerin musik. Sekarang lagi menempuh program pertukaran pelajar di Jepang, dari kampus asliku di Jogja yaitu UGM. Tepatnya anak fakultas ekonomi angkatan 2016. Lahir dan besar dijogja buat aku agak aneh sama gaya bahasa lo gue yang biasa diterapkan blogger-blogger pada umumnya jadi jika kalian salah satu dari Jakartans yang mungkin sengaja ataupun tidak mampir di blog ini dan merasa agak geli a.k.a geleuh kalo di bahasa sunda, maklumi sahaja.

Tujuan dari dibuatnya blog ini pada dasarnya tidak lain dan tidak bukan adalah untuk mengisi waktu senggang yang aku punya salama hidup di perantauan, jauh dari kawan, lawan, saudara, keluarga, menjadi salah 1 alasan kenapa aku disini agak sedikit gabut. Daripada cuma dibuat tidur sama ngelamun mending dibuat ginian kan yak, biar bisa dibaca lucu-lucuan gitu kalo udah balik Indo, hehe. 

Post ini ditulis tanggal 22 September 2018 pukul 12.30 dini hari, tapi aku bakal coba untuk menulis semua keluh kesah dan risalah hati yang kurasain sejak aku pertama kali dateng  kesini, Tanggal 1 september.

Apa yang bisa kalian expect dari blog ini sebenrnya ga ada, ini cuma bakal berisi gundah gulana seorang remaja pria yang jauh dari rumah, rumah dalam definisi nyata, dan rumah dalam bentuk majas. ya, aku jomblo. Dan itulah kenapa blog ini hadir, menemani hatiku yang sepi ini.

Oiya, Tiap post di blog ini bakal ditemani 1 foto. why? karna emang suka mengabadikan momen aja sih, walaupun sekarang rasanya masih kurang lengkap, karna belum ada kamu yang bisa kuabadikan dalam raga dan rohani. tsah.