Song title.

you know, when you're already in your 20s there must be hundreds or maybe thousands of songs that you've listened to. mulai dari pertama kali dengerin lagu dari radio, mtv, sampe mulai pindah ke mp3 player, hp, dan segala perangkat yang bisa dipake buat dengerin lagu. buat aku, lagu itu bukan sekedar lirik bernada. sebuah lagu itu kompleks. dalam. magis. di dalem kebanyakan lagu, setidaknya yang sekarang masuk di daftar putarku, selalu berisikan pesan dan perasaan. selalu ada rasa yang tersirat dari tinggi rendahnya nada, tarikan nafas, dan jiwa yang menyeruak dari suara.

tapi bukan itu yang mau aku tekankan. ada 1 perihal lagi yang sejujurnya sangat membantuku buat tetap bisa menikmati rasa di tanah perantauan ini. lagu bisa menyimpan. ya, banyak lagu yang bisa menyimpan kenangan-kenanganmu baik maupun buruk, suka atau tidak. beberapa lagu pasti akan bisa membawa kita lompat ke satu momen tertentu, menggambarkan suasananya tanpa satupun helai daun tertinggal. ya, lagu memang kuat. sekuat itu hingga kita ga punya kontrol lagi atas dia. kadang, waktu mood-mu lagi bagus, denger 1 lagu spesifik yang mengingatkanmu sama, contoh, mantan pacarmu. atau lagi sedih, dan tiba-tiba ada lagu yang menerbangkanmu ke memori indah sama temen, bisa menjungkir balikkan perasaanmu secepat bait pertama yang kamu dengar. 1 hal lagi, yang lebih magis, sebuah lagu, bisa mencampur adukkan perasaan mu. tanpa sebuah memoripun yang terpanggil didalam kepalamu, tanpa kamu paham liriknya, tanpa harus kamu dengar berulang-ulang. ya, lagu memang semagis itu.

Dreamy Nights

I don’t know what started this, but for few weeks back I always dream in my sleep. And most of them is ridiculously random. Here’s some of my dreams that I still remember right now (not in order)

1. I was home, in Jogja. I don’t know why but I was in the same room with my neighbor (also a friend that is actually not in touch again) named Liana. Yes, a she. We talked about stuffs that I already forgot, it feels like a real conversation I had with her, and then I woke up. Actually I’ve been avoiding her since she uploaded pictures on her IG of her being a sportswear model. The shitty thing is, I unfollowed her 3 times, 2 of them was noticed and she confronted me because of it so I had to follow her again. Lel.

2. I.SAW.MY.EX.CRUSH I don’t have any idea why she showed up there, I don’t even think about her again (well I also didn’t think about my neighbor but well oh well that’s why its called a dream). The scene is, I was teaching at the cram school I usually taught (she was my student), and she was there as a cram school grads, if such thing’s exist. At first, she was there just to help the flow of study, but then it gets weird. SHE STARTED TO MADE FUN OF ME. She blew everything I’ve done to her to the class so everyone knows the story behind. Fml

3. My housemate ordered a flight back to Indonesia on 7th of February using either lion or air asia.

4. I don’t know how, but I manage to fuck Selena Gomez. Dang this is fucked up

5. The rest is just a small pieces I hardly remember

I wish this dream-streak keeps going because maybe, those dreams are few of the things that keeps me sane here. Kind of sad, but a relief.

Shits getting real here.

Warning : this post contains a lot of swear words. PG-13

Its been weeks since i wrote my last blog here. I've been busy with uni stuffs, student circle that i joined, also the most time consuming one, finding myself again.

i've been lost.

its like, i didnt recognize my own self anymore. im not me. theres this words, i dont who who made it but its quite creepy and yet, its kinda true. at least for me atm. and the saying is "there is no image of the exact you. you are different in everybody else's mind. each people you met since the first time you were born will have unique image of you. so the you that you are thinking of, is just inside your head."

fuck that words right? but what fucked up the most is that i, am currently feelin it. even i dont really know me. shit.

i lost myself here. i dont know if im started to get mad, i hope not. i tried to smoke (the japs e-cig [not vape]), i tried scotch whisky by touching it using my tongue (i didnt drink it) like what the fuck it didnt even taste good.

i've put my attention on unimportant shits and it made me crazy. the girl i thought would help me just walked away saying nothing. ive been thinking worse about my house mate which actually not that bad. THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME SANE IS BROOKLYN NINE-NINE WTF.

also, dont give a damn about my social media. what i posted there is the only fun part of being here which is only 5% of my real life. DANGGG fuck social media

DAMN MAN IT FEELS LIKE I JUST WANNA SCREAM AND BROKE THINGS DOWN. i aint had no one hear that could listens to me. i dont have friend here. well, not a normal friend, but the "friend" friend. i had no one to talk to, no one to share my frickin feeling to. not even my house mate. since he got girlfriend, dang. i dont know him no more. but thats fine i get it its his first relationship.

cant believe im saying this, but fuck this shit i could use fwb real good right now. BUT THEN I DONT HAVE ONE SHIT. kinda regret i pushed away that girl when i first came here, that girl whom i pushed away bcs i still had a crush on someone.

I FRICKIN NEED SOMEONE RIGHTNOW OMGGGG

AIGHT. i think im crazy.

Losing Myself.

For those who are familiar with me must've known what kind of person I am. Whoever you are that have met me in person, know this very well. If you don't, though, you could read my first post, Sudah Kenal Semoga Sayang and one other post (not an) American Teen.

I don't know what happened to me these days, but this feeling, this urge to try, this desire to taste those parties, those drinks, those life has and still developing in my body. Brain and heart-wise, I really really don't wanna do it. But lust-wise, damn, it became someone else. My lust is not me anymore.

Maybe being far away from home also took part in this, but i didn't see it coming this soon. I'm only 2 and a half months away and i'm starting to lose myself (well, i hope not), but it is what it is. This is what i am truly feeling right now.

I wanna try those drinks and get drunk, i wanna come to the parties and dance, i wanna get home a bit tipsy bringing a chick with me and finally lose my virginity lol. But oh well, i gotta keep my dick halal, and i guess i'll go to a party when i got back to Jogja, but for the drinks, i guess i'll just wait till i die cause ill try it in heaven. wish me luck.

A voice mail.

*telephone rings*

*telephone rings*

*telephone rings*

Hey, sorry i'm not home, you know what to do after this. *beep*

Hey.

I know its kinda weird.

but i...

i just..

i just wanna umm..

can we hang out for a coffee sometimes?

whatcha doin tomorrow?

maybe you could pick me up after work.

or maybe..

ahem,

tonight?

What a (shitty) life.

You know, everything seems all fun and games before you actually involved in it, and feels the true situation that is happening in real life there. kinda having the same situation here. So my housemate from Indonesia was all good and supportive as a friend and housemate to live abroad for approximately 5 months. We prepare all of the requirements together. At first, he seems so convincing to be my housemates for half a year. After we tried to do all the requirement, he started to reveal his inner stinks layer by layer. I even feels like I made a wrong decision to go with him, and him only. But oh well, paddy is already a porridge, can not be turned back into rice. So i was just saying fuck this shit, i'm in the point of no return because its only weeks away from our flight to Japan.

He is a kind of friend that you wanted to meet during the school time only. You don't want to meet him outside, or worse, his house and staying over. Never. As an introvert myself, I actually understand what it feels like to be one. But the problem here is that, I am his housemate for another 3 months (hope not). I mean, can he be more friendly, and give a single fuck about our well-being, and our inter-personal relationship? Yes, it is true i am his friend, but i am not someone to be his daily emotional trash bin. Nigga i have my patient line. 

Things actually got better once we got here on September. We were settling ourselves in nowhere, try to support one another, giving help, and all those shits you need when you were settling new life. It gets downhill after 2 or 3 weeks. The agreement of no in house smoking is broken many times. his room is a mess, messier than Miley Cyrus's past. Damn. Also, he gave no shits no more about our inter-human relationship. Basically, hes a jerk. I was tolerating him few times, but that's it. He smoked again few days ago, and i'm deciding to move out. I couldn't bare him anymore. It is still good that i didn't tell his girlfriend about it. I still have humanity in me, but if, if he goes through one more layer of my principle, then he dead. I'll bust all of his faults and broken promise to his girlfriend lol. I don't mind losing one of a jerky friend that irritates me.

Sebuah Lagu

I've just find out a song that really represents my very current feeling. The lyric, the beat, its all perfect for my situation. (well, its not that perfect but the feeling is quite the same).

you got me.

So here is the full lyric from a song called Lost in Japan by Shawn Mendes remixed by Zedd.

[Intro]
All it'd take is one flight
We'd be in the same time zone
Looking through your timeline
Seeing all the rainbows, I

[Verse 1]
All it'd take is one flight
We'd be in the same time zone
Looking through your timeline
Seeing all the rainbows, I
I got an idea
And I know that it sounds crazy
I just wanna see ya
All I gotta ask

[Chorus]
Do you got plans tonight?
I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I
I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight
'Cause I-I can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Oh, oh

[Post-Chorus]
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind

[Verse 2]
I could feel the tension
We could cut it with a knife
I know it's more than just a friendship
I can hear you think I'm right, yeah
Do I gotta convince you?
That you shouldn't fall asleep?
It'll only be a couple hours
And I'm about to leave

[Chorus]
Do you got plans tonight?
I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I
I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight
'Cause I-I can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
Oh, oh

[Post-Chorus]
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind

[Chorus]
Do you got plans tonight?
I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I
I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight
'Cause I-I-I can't get you off my mind
I can't get you off my mind
Do you got plans tonight, baby?
I was hoping I could get lost in your paradise
The only thing I'm thinking 'bout is you and I
And I-I can't get you off my mind
Can't get you off my mind
I can't seem to get you off my mind, yeah

[Outro]
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Let's get lost tonight
Let's get lost tonight (oh)
Baby, you and
I can't seem to get you off my mind

for someone with initial SIN, if you read this, this is for you.